When Exes Don’t Let Go: Navigating Love When the Past Creeps In - Part 2

Just when I thought I’d heard enough of these situations, I met Sheila. Sheila was this bright, hopeful young woman I came across through a mutual friend. She had been with her boyfriend for over a year when she started noticing strange behavior: late-night messages, vague explanations, and an ex who kept showing up in the background of his life, almost like a ghost that refused to leave. It wasn’t long before Sheila learned that he was still in regular contact with his ex, and, worse yet, she found out he was confiding in his ex about things he didn’t even tell her.

Heartbroken and confused, Sheila felt torn between confronting him and pretending it didn’t bother her. She tried to shake it off, but the insecurity crept into every part of her life. Her self-confidence dwindled, her work performance suffered, and she felt more isolated than ever. Sheila’s story, like so many others I’ve come across, reveals how deeply it can hurt when a partner clings to pieces of their past. It made me realize that those on the receiving end of these situations need support, wisdom, and encouragement to handle it in a way that protects their heart and dignity.

Here are some insights I shared with Sheila and would offer to anyone in a similar situation:

1. Have the Conversation, Even if It’s Hard

I told Sheila that bottling it up would only make her feel worse. If this was bothering her so much, her boyfriend needed to know. Yes, the conversation would be uncomfortable, but healthy relationships are built on honest communication, even when it’s tough.

Set a time to talk, and be honest about how this ongoing connection with his ex is impacting you. Approach it calmly, focusing on how it makes you feel, rather than accusing or blaming. A good partner will want to hear and understand your concerns.

2. Clarify Boundaries Together

Sheila had been tiptoeing around her feelings, afraid of coming across as insecure or controlling. But here’s the truth: boundaries aren’t about control; they’re about respect. I encouraged her to think about what boundaries would make her feel valued and secure, then share them with her boyfriend.

Sit down together and define what’s comfortable and what’s not when it comes to interactions with exes. Setting healthy boundaries can help create a sense of safety and clarity in the relationship.

3. Prioritize Your Own Mental and Emotional Health

Relationships can be a source of joy, but when they start affecting your mental and physical well-being, it’s time to take a step back and refocus. Sheila realized she’d let her self-worth hinge on her boyfriend’s choices, which is a dangerous place to be.

Invest in your personal well-being. Focus on activities and relationships that make you feel strong, whole, and confident. Taking care of your emotional health can help you see the relationship more clearly and make better decisions about it.

4. Take Note of Actions, Not Just Words

Sheila’s boyfriend apologized profusely after she opened up, promising he’d set better boundaries with his ex. But promises don’t mean much unless they’re followed up by actions. I reminded her to pay attention to how he followed through, not just what he said.

Observe how your partner responds after the conversation. Are they making changes that make you feel secure, or do you keep noticing the same patterns? Words are important, but actions reveal where someone’s heart truly is.

5. Have an Honest Check-In with Yourself

Relationships are a two-way street, and sometimes they reveal our own insecurities or unmet needs. Sheila found that, deep down, she wanted someone who was wholeheartedly committed to her and her alone. I encouraged her to reflect on whether this relationship could truly meet her needs and if it was worth the emotional toll.

Be honest with yourself. Does this relationship genuinely fulfill you, or are you sacrificing your peace for the hope that things will change? If a relationship causes more pain than joy, it may be time to reevaluate.

6. Seek Support from Trusted Friends or Mentors

Sheila had been struggling in silence, afraid that talking about it would make her seem weak. But no one should have to navigate these complex emotions alone. Leaning on the wisdom and empathy of others can make all the difference.

Find someone you trust—a friend, mentor, or counselor—who can offer perspective and support. Sometimes, talking it out with someone who cares can help you make sense of your feelings and guide you towards healthy decisions.

7. Stand Firm in Your Worth and Move Forward If Needed

Sometimes, despite our best efforts, we realize that a relationship isn’t built on the solid foundation we hoped for. I reminded Sheila that she deserved someone who would be fully present with her, not emotionally entangled with a past relationship. Moving on can be tough, but staying in a relationship where you don’t feel valued is even harder.

Trust yourself. If you’ve communicated openly, set boundaries, and sought support but still feel undervalued, it may be time to walk away. Sometimes, letting go of something good opens the door to something even better.

Final Thoughts

Being in a relationship where an ex lingers in the background can feel like living in someone else’s shadow. It’s painful, confusing, and exhausting. But remember, you deserve a love that’s whole-hearted, one that makes you feel seen, respected, and truly valued.

If you find yourself in Sheila’s shoes, know that you have the strength to choose what’s best for you. Love yourself enough to seek a relationship that uplifts you, respects your heart, and honors the beautiful person you are.

If you’re interested in recognizing these early warning signs, my book, Red Flags, provides practical insights and guidance for spotting unhealthy relationship patterns before they affect your peace. Grab a copy and empower yourself to choose wisely and confidently.

Committed to your transformation,

Dr. Oyindamola Okenla, Your Transformational Catalyst